mon reve perdu

i dreamed of a holiday

much different than this

a time filled with love

and an endless kiss

instead it is rainy

cold and so blue

why is it that my

dreams never come true

if there are any stars listening

please try to hear

and fulfull my wishes

for the coming year

only tears remain

where eyes once were

only tears remain

where once i could see

there is only pain

i can no longer hide

inside a song

every moment

seems too long

endless streams endless teeming

no more laughter

no daydreaming

burning droplets

sear my face

where once a smile

took their place

 

 

another night i toss and turn

thoughts and feelings in me churn

why does everything turn out wrong

and i sing a sad love song

will anything ever turn out right

will i sleep a warm goodnight

wrapped in love and warmth and truth

alive again like in my youth

sometimes

sometimes the anger subsides

i feel the pain

knowing ill never

see him again

knowing how i miss the touch

that i used to love so much

 

grow

even though i did something right

this does not mean my

heart feels light

even the sound choices

that we make

can hurt as much as

a mistake

but from this hurt comes

the chance to grow

to move forward

to let pain go

to make room perhaps

for something good

oh how i wish it would

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the little girl sits

breaking apart

feeling the pain

overtaking

her heart

 

looking

looking at the lovers

who were in my life

to some i was a thrill

to one i was a wife

to one an acquisition

from a culture unknown

another fancy object

that he had to own

to another a means

to enable his dissipation

oblivious to my consternation

to another a pretty toy

only around to bring him joy

one whos heart id broken

years ago at the end

now feels he is lucky

to consider me a friend

but did any really love me

this i truly doubt

you cannot love somebody

if you do not care

what they're about

if they are only in your life

to round your edges out

loving a person is feeling the need

to build a life to plant a seed

to watch the feelings grow and sprout

to hold each other

inside and out

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

creases

sorting out the pieces

a life in folds and creases

everything surreal

noone knows how i feel

but do i

i wonder why

it all comes down to this

where did i err where did i fall

somewhere theres peace

maybe not at all

for me its running from the fear

of feeling like the only one here

little vignettes

empty scenes

is this all my life

really means

m t 2

here i sit

alone at home

listening to music

writing this poem

wondering why

after all these years

there is not love

just lonely tears

what about me

cannot be loved

i wonder as i write

this chilly night

why has it eluded me

i who have so much

capacity

to love and be loved in return

and yet denied this

my eyes still burn

from tears shed by an

aching heart

yearning for its

matching part

will i

ever know the joy of being  truly loved

cherished and thought the world of

ever know how it feels to be safe and secure

not lost, wavering, so unsure

ever be at the center of someones heart

the vital, living, beating part

ever put a smile on someones face

all their sadness to erase

clone

look left look right

dont say a word

dont be yourself

is what the child heard

we have everything

planned for you

you have no choice

this you will do

no dolce vita

here i sit

looking at my life

so filled with pain

and riddled with strife

i tell myself

it wont always be this way

yet this is the way

it seems to stay

looking for the rainbow

that will shine for me

bathe me in its colors

and set me free

to live in a world

that is pure and bold

that loves and welcomes

 a heart of gold

missing

holidays here

missing some old friends

why did their lives

have to end

i cared for you

i made you strong

now its so hard

just to get along

i owe it to you

to persevere

wishing so

that you were near

in the winter chill

in the winter chill

the people walk

sometimes quiet

sometimes they talk

and as the sun

shines on their soul

it fills them up

keeping them

whole

 

holidaze

feeling sad

i know the reason

it is because of

the holiday season

cant escape thoughts

of how i went wrong

and this season

feels so long

isolated blue

feeling chagrin

all the holiday plans

i wont be included in

what is lacking

empty space

tears are gathering

on my face

this is supposed to be

a time of good cheer

doesnt feel like that

around here

 

how i wish

that i could write

maybe tomorrow

not tonight

hoping for

ideas to pour

and reopen my

poetic door

a lert

here sit i

and wonder why

when the rest of the

world is wrapped in

sleep

i am mired in

thoughts so

deep

 

my poetic muse

has taken a rest

life has put her

to the test

but i have not lost

my proclivity

for joyful

creativity

clarity

there is not much disparity

between hysteria

and clarity

when the one has run

its course

from its depth

a positive force

emerges strong

and sound

and you will

come around

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

rain

rain wash away my sorrows

drown inside my tears

bring a new tomorrow

cleanse me of my fears

hide inside the darkness

deep where noone peers

muted cries so softly

so loud that noone hears

rain come down upon me

warm or cold and still

your water i will borrow

till my emptied heart

you fill

again

another night

i want to weep

again i cannot

fall asleep

head so heavy

body drained

feeling very

overbrained

menopause rap

over 50 and i feel like crap.thats why im writing the menopause rap...dont sleep at night and turn and toss, gum disease even though i floss...bags under my eyes enough to make me flip, large enough to pack for a round the world trip....old favorite foods just make me sick, as i watch my waist get thick....cellulite and gravity.. who came up with this depravity...jowls are dropping so's my chest...i wont even mention the rest...id dedicate this body to science but they wont take it....never mind how it looks naked...butt has fallen to the floor, proctologist cant find it any more, people on the bus give a seat to me, do they think if i stand im gonna pee.... my moods swing more than tarzan ever did...my thighs they jiggle like a squid...yep middle age really sucks but what source for lots of nyuks

m.t.

poems dried

her spirit shot

a way to feel?

it is not

and when she finally

felt a word

this is all

her spirit

heard

 

 

the price

 

one pays for being smart

is seeing things as they are

but smart is not always very wise

as one can go too far

and inadvertently cause pain

to someone close and dear

all one can do is hope that this

did not cause any fear

 

flower

alone in the wood

the flower stood

doing what

a flower should

budding, blooming, withering

died

all alone no matter

how it tried

 

i write

what i feel

i feel what i right

maybe its not happy

maybe its not light

but this is how

i feel tonight

dichotomy

i spent all night tossing in my bed

torn between my heart and head

what he wants is not so clear

am i just sport or is he sincere

 

the sun rises

and beneath its outstretched arms

a world awakens slowly

taking in the warmth and glow

gently  rubbing its eyes

to look out the window

bathed in the sun's glory

lives ready to open

autumn

the autumn and its mysteries surround her as she walks......leaves dancing slowly by her feet, waiting for those that remain on the trees, to join them...the sky has a mystical magical visage, even in it chillier moments, the warm smell that emanates,all around.....she continues on her stroll, feet gently nudging the leaves beneath them....eagerly inhaling every scent the air transmits to her.....

fear

the scarey thing about having fear

with it your thoughts are never clear

it blinds all logic, destroys all sense

immobilization its sustenance

ive lived this way for so long now

i want to change...i dont know how

 

 

 

heartstop

this thing in my chest that beats so fast

knows nothing good in life will last

and yet it opens loud and wide

to let someone else look deep inside

why bother keep it closed i say

perhaps that is the only way

 

 

 

refuge

the little girl looked for a place

where she could hide her

wounded face

a place of safety

warmth and care

a place that never

existed

anywhere

and so her refuge never found

she felt so lost and

run aground

 

the wind shifted

the wind had blown warmly and in her direction, and in this glow, she happily stood....then she felt  a change in the breeze that had once surrounded her...it no longer enveloped her as it turned sharply colder and distanced itself ....she went back inside and closed the door.

rain do

she stood transfixed, frozen by the sky and the wind that rustled through her hair....tiny chilly droplets, like diamonds, fell and glistened upon her cheeks, as the wind caressed her body, eyes closed, she could feel the sun glowing upon her as the diamond droplets continued to fall.......she wanted to feel this way  forever, so alive and a part of the true world around her

they kissed

and when their lips parted, they took each other with them

and again

again i am not sleeping

too tired for any weeping

insomnia  demented

why am  i so

tormented?

 

again

here i sit

lost in my plight

another long and

sleepless night

she listens

the night drifts slowly by

as she listens

to the raindrops on the streets

as they glisten

to the thoughts in her head

some of joy

some of dread

 

 

the pit

she sat in the bottom of the pit, crying....she did not know how deep the pit was, as she could not look up....if only she could float to the top of the pit, on her tears

he walked then stopped

he walked and stopped

along the dusty  road

looking back

to measure his load

but up ahead in full

profusion

was something real

not an illusion

he stood still and thought

which way to go

to real and fine

where he could grow

or in the mud

so dark and slow

they kissed

their lips slowly approached, each step closer an exquisite mile....the wind blew outside in subtle accompaniment, raindrops in their cadence....they inched closer to each other, and felt the soft cushions of their lips brush gently and yet passionately.....they heard only the sound of their hearts beating, strong and without fear.....their lips briefly parted, only to eagerly join again...

up

my heart pounded quickly

sounds muffled and deep

feeling quite prickly

unable to sleep

mind loudly racing

plagued by thoughts

of all kinds

no way to stop them

nor leave them

behind

tired beyond measure

yet the incline to steep

unable to find me

a way to go sleep

the night softly pattered

on my still wakened self

as morning approached

with its usual stealth

 

 

 

the door

she looked at the door, and what a door it was.....strong, brightly colored and so inviting....as she approached it, she noticed that at every step, there was an impediment....gingerly she stepped over them and approached the door...about to knock, she noticed a sign which read...knock but dont open...she turned around and as she looked back, she noticed the door was slightly ajar.....she approached again, and another, newer impediment, hindered her path.....she went to the portal and gently touched, hoping it would welcome her in....it did not, and the sign changed...this time it said open ajar but you wont get far....she turned around again.....yet she was still so drawn to the wavering portal, and, as such she glanced over her shoulder, and noticed that the larger, more recent impediment had actually entered the doorway, and the door closed behind it

compromise

compromise is a funny word and can encompass many interpretations....it can mean meeting in the middle, but it must never be compromising ones integrity or dignity...to put oneself in a position of harm is not compromise at all, rather it is selling oneself short......one must never compromise ones self esteem.....healthy compromise occurs where there is room for healthy compromise, not something at the expense of oneself or another........compromise in its pure form is one of the greatest personal skills one can possess, and is necessary in order to relate in a positive fashion with another....however, the key here is that self respect should never be jeopardized.

y

the reason that i write this blog

a place to put my heart

i feel that it is safe here

noone to tear it all apart

to wrestle with my feelings

and those of whom i care

cause im so scared in person

i wouldnt even dare

poet's walk

the poet walked the poet's walk

the night was quiet

there was no talk

alone again herself

she found

no tears would fall

heart run aground

far x

you never really looked at me

saw only what you wanted me

to be

you didnt glance into my heart

took only what you needed to

play your part

you didnt really take the chance

you the only partner

in your dance

this ended oh so long ago

you stayed the same

i chose to grow

my five

the little girl on the

curb she sat

spirit broken

her heart so flat

dont look at me

her silent cries

as she averted

people's

eyes

maybe

i still have the ability

to see the possibility

perhaps that something

good

could be where

sadness stood

island i

there was an island

in a moat

couldnt sink

couldnt float

did not know its left

from right

couldnt tell

the day from night

 

threshold

he stood at the door

which way to turn

back to the dark

or forward to learn

used to the night

with landscape so bleak

or go to the sun

whose warmth he did seek

 

cranky doodle

although im lean and lanky

today im feeling cranky

cant stand to be a grouch

wanna lose this ouch 

 

 

 

another walk on the beach

her feet travelled where they

stepped before

and each footprint

led to an open door

another walk on

a sunny beach

no clouds in sight

a magic night

constellation

the little girl sat, with consternation

staring at the

constellation

wondering, where, how far

was her shining star

to take her far from here

a land so full of fear

the years passed, she sat glum

the star it did not come

the sky was dark and gray

she could not get away

but one day there was a light

maybe she'd be alright

moving closer to the beam

as she approached her dream

 

 

a walk on the beach

strolling through the sand

my hand in someone's hand

the feeling life is grand

for just a moment or so

wishing that moment would

pass so slow...before

the time it had

to go

maturity

maturity...a word that implies many things...fine wine, good antiques, wrinkles, and lastly...adult behavior...it seems that, although we advance in a chronological sense, we do not seem to do so in our behaviors....i thought, as a child, that the callow,shallow behaviors of others would ameliorate as time passed, and they did to some extent, but not enough...i guess i should include myself amongst those who need to learn from experience....so be it...why do we struggle so with maturity, is it that we equate this with nearing our end? is it that people feel if they maintain their childlike notions, and behavior, that the grim reaper will someshow side step them?

 

end of the summer/3day weekend combo platter blues

its the end of the summer/3day weekend combo platter blues

soon will be trading in my tevas

for waterproof snow shoes

at 4 pm will be much darker

bye bye tank top

hello parka

 

bleeeeeccccccch

 

 

nothing ventured nothing pained

open a door

see what comes in

if it is nothing

deal with the chagrin

but keeping it closed

guarantees

nothing bad

but also

nothing to please

 

 

the chronic lack of sleep

well it is the witching hour once again and i am bleary eyed and bushy tailed, when i should be happily sawing some termite ridden logs.  i wonder if insomnia has fueled any top selling writers....or is recharging at night essential for the creative outlet experience...cant seem to pinpoint the cause for this several month long bout with insomnia....partly physical and mostly emotional, i suspect...stress has many guises and can manifest itself at any time.....it is hard to imagine that i used to sleep so well and soundly, that, many years ago, i slept through a fire in an apt building i lived in.......

my mother

last night, i went to see my family,  we had plenty of laughs, however these were overshadowed by sadness and uncertainty....my mom has to have knee replacement surgery and to add to the mix, has lupus and rheumatoid arthritis, which makes the already complex even more so.....she was so upset that, as the surgery is november 15, this will be the first year there will be no thanksgiving......she was so vulnerable that it just about broke my heart....she was so frightened and in need of hugs, which i readily gave her....what makes this even more touching, is that she, like me, is very sensitive and will not reach out, out of fear of rejection...but she was so vulnerable that this fear was overpowered by the need to feel loved, and accepted, for who she is and the predicament she is in.....it has been virtually impossible to shake the image of seeing this dimunitive woman rendered even more diminutive by her fear and trepidation

risk taking

today i am doing something i am uncertain about, however, against my usual pattern, i am doing it anyway...sending this blog to someone whose opinion of me matters...so it is with consternation that i send off these snippets of my heart

addendum

to add to the previous entry, the world today is populated by people whose only focus is on their needs, of which they are really not aware....there seems to be little sensitivity to the needs and feelings of those around them, be they intimates or distant acquaintances....no wonder we live in a world being decimated by a plague of loneliness

retrospection

the last few weeks have been a study in human psychology and have taught me an important lesson....no matter what age you are, people are complex, game playing, and mostly unaware of their own needs...i have had some curious adventures these past few weeks, several interesting personalities have flitted in and out of my universe....we live in a world of warp speed human connections, popping in and out in the blink of an eye.....surreal and never lasting and mostly devoid of sincerity...is this a result of the world we live in  or perhaps it is the cause