hopes

hoping that in 2009 man puts the"kind" back in mankind

ifff

if the world were flat instead of round
just how would our lives be
would peace and harmony be found
or war just like we see
perhaps those people who do not fit
would be shoved off the earth's edge
to fall into an endless pit
from which noone is dredged

desert stand

an inner disquiet abused her. she could not keep her mind from wandering to a wartorn, distant land...a place of no lasting peace not now, not then, not ever. just lulls of truce nestled between mountains of war...looming, menacing. forever approaching.

both sides locked in an eternal battle, intertwined like two angry dragons, spiraling rapidly, to be crushed by the descent. a fall from which neither would get up.

jamas

i would like to find a place
where for every idea there was
a space
room to differ, to disagree
no, you do not have to be me
we need to learn not to hate
before it is too late

la misma cosa

she sat at her desk, trying to write
it was another fitful quasi sleepless night
her mind started blanking to reduce the din
keeping out trouble, not letting good in

terry tease

his name is terry tease
if you please
he cares if he hurts you
about as much as a sneeze
everything to him is play and fun
he keeps on playing
trying to get the damage done
no depth, no emotion
just perpetual motion

im paled

she stood so quiet as she was pelted with snow
she did not know which way to go
she looked to her left, turned her head to the right
unable to move, deeply frozen by her fright

he

he looks at her as he holds her hand
she knows that he will understand
her pain her sorrow, when she feels good
besides her quietly he has always stood

in

the room was dark but she could hear the din.
she hoped that someone would let her in.
it was lonely outside face pressed up against the glass
she hoped this sad feeling over her would pass
as she inched her way closer towards the door
she paused, should she go just a little more.

on the holiday

on the holiday he was alone
noone called he stared at the phone
putting on another sweater
so he would not be cold
he wanted to get better
but he felt so old
why did his kids
not remember him
would they ever come and visit
before the lights went dim?

i closed my eyes

i closed my eyes there was no pain
the air was warm, no acid rain
the ground was green
with plants and life
peace everywhere
no war no strife
the animals lived well and free
untethered, respected
what they were meant to be
no child cried from being abused
no man nor woman feeling misused
then i opened my eyes and could not erase
cold reality before my face

lost dog

my paws are wet i feel so cold.
does someone really care?
im lost im scared nowhere to go.
so much snow in the air

to her,the world was a dark and broken place. she found it inordinately difficult to navigate such a dismal landscape. occasional flashes of light managed to pierce the somber. but the somber always seemed to nudge them away.until him. he brought with him love, trust,...concepts she thought only inhabited other people's lives. the feeling of isolation she wore as a heavy mantle slowly evaporated.the pigment of the world around her lost its greying hue.

she sat

she sat outside the night was cold
people passed her by
why is this so? i was not told
she bowed her head to cry

the halls have ears

she sat inside her empty hall
no one to see, noone at all
the wind was shattering as it blew
her mind was clattering
nothing new

hit her with the buckle

her infraction was not exactly major, but the young girl knew what the consequences would be. her mother's non stop berating started from breakfast. when she returned home from school, head facing the ground, it continued. the dinner table was a cold war zone, eyes flashing back and forth, implied threats lingering in the air.

she knew her mother told her father, and would sic him on her, using the full force of her fury to work him up into a rage state like her own.

she was ordered to go to her bedroom. she could hear her mother's voice..."hit her with the buckle, hit her with the buckle, growing more intense with each utterance.

her father entered her room and closed the door. he ordered her to pull down her pants. she felt shamed, violated. her face reddened, her self dropped beneath the floor, with her pants and underwear. she could feel her father's eyes burning as they stared at her naked buttocks.

her mother continued her buckle mantra.

her father hit her with the belt, not the buckle, not particularly hard. she screamed and cried, hoping this would satisfy her mother's blood lust.

so far and yet so much further

how far the lowly have never risen
heartbreak fueled by day dreams driven

let us wish for peace and a kinder heart ,so pain and cruelty will no longer be a part.
of the world in which we live. tenderness and hope people will give
love to each other and to all living things, as bells of the holiday season rings

as her disquiet grew louder she had no place to go.
no refuge to run to
no weapons to throw

the winter cold

the winter cold left her feeling glum
sadly waiting for summer to come
trees naked profiled against a gray sky
wind on her face is she starting to cry
lonely and huddled
emotions so muddled

this was her longest foray into the "real" world since her surgery. the cold ripped right through her. she could not decide which was more uncomfortable, the bitter arctic chill or the incision on her abdomen. she was wrapped in a blanket of fatigue.

she looked at all the familiar shops. it was an effort just to focus on one particular thing, as she was still experiencing the spaciness caused by the anaesthesia. a fuzzy greyness enveloped her.

she felt like she would never get back home.

she sat at her desk, upright, eyes brightely lit, fingers clacking away at her keyboard. this was her connection to the outside world, to people. this felt safe. each new friendship, acceptance, exhilarating.

she had spent most of her life alone, in both the literal and figurative sense. she knew the meaning of both being alone among a crowd of people and no phone calls alone. as much as she yearned for friendship, acquiring and maintaining it were so difficult for her.

she was "different", the worst case scenario for the school years. she watched her classmates mill by, conforming comfortably to some mysterious social code, which included her exclusion. she just lived each day, nose pressed to the cold glass.

she went through the rites of middle class adult passage...bad first marriage, dating, superficial female acquaintances. when she tried to convert the shallow into a deeper friendship, only hurt followed.

she remarried, to a warm, wonderful, loving man. this joy brought with it more social pressures,more potential rejection.

she hid.

lonely was not just her middle name

lonely was not just her middle name
it was her first and last
never in the game

the heeling

this surgery, and the healing process , have really thrown me. i feel completely deflated, as if my once half -billowing sails were flapping aimlessly against all sorts of wind. this wind could be nothing more than getting up to answer a phone call. no gale force is needed to knock me out of balance.

my entire body seems to be adjusting to the empty space that the baseball sized tumor and the other removed parts once occupied. the incision pulls inwardly and outwardly, with every breath,movement, digestive rumble.

my usual insomnia only compounds the overwhelming exhaustion. the only good thing is that since i am home, not at work, i can nap.

the worst part of this whole scenario is being THAT aware of my body. no longer is it just the vessel that houses my essence, that i take with me every day, live with and not think about. it is constantly reminding me of its discomforts, frailties, its limits and the limits it puts on my intangible self