let us wish for peace and a kinder heart ,so pain and cruelty will no longer be a part.
of the world in which we live. tenderness and hope people will give
love to each other and to all living things, as bells of the holiday season rings

as her disquiet grew louder she had no place to go.
no refuge to run to
no weapons to throw

the winter cold

the winter cold left her feeling glum
sadly waiting for summer to come
trees naked profiled against a gray sky
wind on her face is she starting to cry
lonely and huddled
emotions so muddled

this was her longest foray into the "real" world since her surgery. the cold ripped right through her. she could not decide which was more uncomfortable, the bitter arctic chill or the incision on her abdomen. she was wrapped in a blanket of fatigue.

she looked at all the familiar shops. it was an effort just to focus on one particular thing, as she was still experiencing the spaciness caused by the anaesthesia. a fuzzy greyness enveloped her.

she felt like she would never get back home.

she sat at her desk, upright, eyes brightely lit, fingers clacking away at her keyboard. this was her connection to the outside world, to people. this felt safe. each new friendship, acceptance, exhilarating.

she had spent most of her life alone, in both the literal and figurative sense. she knew the meaning of both being alone among a crowd of people and no phone calls alone. as much as she yearned for friendship, acquiring and maintaining it were so difficult for her.

she was "different", the worst case scenario for the school years. she watched her classmates mill by, conforming comfortably to some mysterious social code, which included her exclusion. she just lived each day, nose pressed to the cold glass.

she went through the rites of middle class adult passage...bad first marriage, dating, superficial female acquaintances. when she tried to convert the shallow into a deeper friendship, only hurt followed.

she remarried, to a warm, wonderful, loving man. this joy brought with it more social pressures,more potential rejection.

she hid.

lonely was not just her middle name

lonely was not just her middle name
it was her first and last
never in the game

the heeling

this surgery, and the healing process , have really thrown me. i feel completely deflated, as if my once half -billowing sails were flapping aimlessly against all sorts of wind. this wind could be nothing more than getting up to answer a phone call. no gale force is needed to knock me out of balance.

my entire body seems to be adjusting to the empty space that the baseball sized tumor and the other removed parts once occupied. the incision pulls inwardly and outwardly, with every breath,movement, digestive rumble.

my usual insomnia only compounds the overwhelming exhaustion. the only good thing is that since i am home, not at work, i can nap.

the worst part of this whole scenario is being THAT aware of my body. no longer is it just the vessel that houses my essence, that i take with me every day, live with and not think about. it is constantly reminding me of its discomforts, frailties, its limits and the limits it puts on my intangible self