how very complicated
my health problem
turned out to be
each step is syncopated
taking pieces out of me

tomorrow 845 am i will be sitting at the doctor's office, my husband holding my hand, my mother in transit. i will not be alone physically but illness is the most isolating of experiences. a good support system, which my husband is, makes life with its bumpy road more than manageable, but the fear is uniquely my own.

i am blessed that i have a man as good as my husband. my biggest fear is that somehow, due to this infirmity, i will lose him. the palbability of this fear, coupled with the abject dread of this as yet unidentified ailment...

i have experienced ALONE, the no phone calls, no social plans. walking my route, a watcher not a doer, tickets for the theatre, never in the cast...always in the shadows.

i had ventured out. in doing so i met my fella. how good, decent and loving he turned out to be was and is a total surprise. a chance well taken

the clock ticks as the AOL blog closing closes in. i have had my blog and its faithful readers .......
a long time....i hope that those good people follow me from the soon to be extinct AOL journal to this site... it will be exciting to experience a new readership as well.

my life has had its moments. writing, editing, reviewing my feelings, all have helped enormously in the sorting out, stepping away process. it has allowed some much needed objectivity in. hopefully some growth has followed.

at this new juncture, i tremble at the feet of change. health issues have taken up alot of my awake(which is most of the)time. i work a precarious balance of innerlife, homelife, joblife, at the same time trying to keep my fears at bay. and bay they do, at the sun, at the moon....just at.

the wind

i am sitting here, wind dancing outside my window, trees keeping step...i am quaking here, really, as soon i will know what my illness is, with all its ramifications. the wind sounds soft and gentle.

i struggle not to jump ahead, to how this will change my life, how bad it could be, what will i lose? the unknown is beyond stressful and terrifying. but will the known be worse? in my layperson merck manual persona, i identifed the 11 out of 10 symptoms that i have of this disease.

i keep mantra-ing both the doctors...especially the second one whose "if it is the worst case scenario it is unbelievably early" statement. unbelievably early is what this cancer needs to be eradicated. i repeat to myself benign benign B9 B9, as if somehow this 6 centimeter invader can hear me. well attitude is everything, so it is said in the 21st century.

i still hear the wind, i never want to stop hearing the wind

swan song to aol off to google,what the hell

the clock is ticking
this blog is going
off to google
my heart is slowing
just hope you dont
abandon your search
and go to google
my heart besmirch
i do not want to make this move
but no choice given stay in the groove
a week from today
this will be far away

der-election of duty

i have been on this planet for quite some time, and in that span have witnessed many politcal contests. they varied in intensity, issues, personages. none were pretty, some more vicious than others, but somehow, world and national events figured into the equation.

this one, not. this is about age, race, gender, social class, acquaintances, verbiage. these are the things our more than "four fathers" wished to avoid. they envisioned a nation of ideas, ideals, the pursuit of freedom, prosperity...a place in a world far larger than the one we now reside in.

we members of the baby boomer fraternity have been fortunate enough to see america at its height, and now have the dubious distinction of watching it slide down, as mimicked by the mercurial dow.

we stand at the polls forced to choose between a stubborn loose cannon, and a one dimensional wordsmith. one may push the red button, the other the red credo.

i did not sign on for this, nor did most americans...torn between the mindless villification of one man, and the blind adulation of another

i write this blog because i can

i write this blog for my need to be heard
to be remembered for a good written word
to feel connected not be apart
to fill the void
inside my heart