this is a double edged contradiction, time earned wisdom and time worn stress management. i know how to recognize the little gnat stings of the "small stuff. i can prioritize based on the if its not life or death, its not life or death philosophy, and conduct my life accordingly.
where it gets dicey is in the accumulated wear and tear of daily stress, that which is internalized and not immediately felt. i spend most weekends juxtaposing much needed downtime with the chores that cannot be completed during the week.
i get home from work tense and frazzled. i exercise almost immediately in order to dull the edge.. afterwards its time to prepare dinner. the edge is not as sharp, but it is still there. i do not phone friends anymore, as i often did when i was younger. i seek brain quiet, peace from the external, which is within my control.
sleep is a precious, hard to reach commodity. only on weekend do i manage to capture that which is so elusive to me during the week.
the 9 to 5 in the mid to late 50s takes a lot more ouf of me, especially since this is not a passion or career, it is strictly for economic survival...no glory no goodness.
just the thought of entertaining creates anxiety. it did so when i was young, but with youth comes an internal energy reserve, the bounce backedness that seeps out insidiously as greater knowledge and wisdom, seep in.
frayed and fatigued is what i have become.
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