i have been a woman who has never had children. i have managed to exist in an oblique fashion with this for most of my failed reproductive years. reminders of my non fecundity are legion. today i went to a baby shower, my first actually, as my friends were either single or not producing children for whatever reason. i felt as if i were on the outside, looking in...but this time the shade was partially pulled down, as if to say...you can peek in but only so far....
the warmth the party guests had for each other, that warmth that comes with prolonged acquaintanceship and consanguinuity, things that i am no part of...
it was like live theater, and i, an invisible audience.
the need to feel a part of something...not diminished by time or emotional exhaustion.
a child inside me running...away, toward....just aimlessly running, never stopped nor stopping...