b daze

b'daze
what is it about birthdays? they are just another facet of a contrived system of keeping time...juxtaposing years as some sort of standard...all that said, i have the nasty habit, year after year, of making a fuss over mine and those of the people i love.
this year is no exception...i started making noise about this one late last month,. making sure anyone within earshot would have no excuse to forget it....yep fifty six with cake and ail....
when we are young, birthdays represent gifts and attention. as we get more chronologically mature, in the 20s and 30s, it represents more gifts and attention, this time on a more costly and lavish scale...
the big four-oh and birthdays turn into milestones, some of which we have stubbed our toes on.
the 50's...middle aged crisis and estrogen withdrawal...birthdays being reminders of dreams not chased, or those chased, not realized...wrinkles, sagging...the depravity of gravity.
my parents are in their 80's. birthdays are quite a two sided rapier...they represent the frightening descent their bodies are suffering, the inevitable direction they are heading...and they are milestones of survival....over kids, financial woes, health woes, ecah other...all the projectiles that life throws.
i revel in each day i have the luxury of two living parents...and each day i have the luxury of....especially now, as i have been blessed with a wonderful man to share life with. someone who loves ME, not his expectations or illusions about, ME...a friend, a partner...
every day when i wake up, i look at his face, still not believing this has happened to me.still in the pinch me im dreaming phase....wishing we met years before, holding onto every moment.
at the risk of sounding old fashioned and beyond corny, this relationship has made me appreciate every facet of living, the trees, the seasons...sights and scents...music...these for granted experiences now have an almost dayglow quality to them.
tomorrow i turn a year older. interesting phrase...turn a year older...this is not a turn, rather it is a one way street from which there is only one exit...i am learning that the trip is everything...that every day is a destination reached.