pseudo holiday levity

wishing it had brevity

smiles people faking

gifts they will be raking

noone wants to listen

just watch the tinsel glisten

an emotional shellacking

by things we feel are lacking

i write good poems

when my heart is broke

tears drenching my shoulder

i start to choke

otherwise i sit

with fingers still

waiting for words

im waiting still

 

confusion

in profusion

caused by self

delusion

fear of loss, rejection

fill me with dejection

i want to run from here

where too, not very clear

 

 

my best poems

are borne from pain

nested in my grief

again

words flow torrents

tears nonending

rhymes and meter

so heart rending

the little girl sat on the stoop

crying as her eyelids droop

no sleep in sight

another restless night

tired from losing

tired from the fight

tired of being tired

feeling very wired

 

i dont know why

i bother to try

all it does is

make me cry

disillusion coupled

with deceit

add this to my

souls defeat

i think i should just

close the door

not let in heartache

anymore

your arms around me

my eyes close

your warmth and spirit

as i doze

embraced, protected

safe from fear

as we sleep

so very near

 

 

 

 

still being tested

i sit, unrested

although some demons

 i have bested

seezones

we've been through the spring

through summer and fall

but will we be there

to hear winters call

the leaves that had once

danced in our path

will soon be covered

with a dark icy wrath

will our feet keep their motion

their rhythm and grip

or will we lose our balance

on the ice will we slip?

 

i sleep in hope

as i hear you breathe

that your heart is true

you will not deceive

as we awaken

eyes tired yet free

problems we have shaken

but what shall be?

as you respire

what thoughts transpire?

our hands held tight

to warm the night

 

 

 

for you who live duplicitous

finding this felicitous

the machinations

lies and hurt

with  your own heartache

they will flirt

deception, lies, prevarication

are the things that

run this nation

self serving behaviors

only room for one

other humans

just for fun

yet we all sit with consternation

not knowing why

the isolation

my mind is wandering

as i sit pondering

only thing that is clear

is that im sitting here

the blank space ahead

one of joy and much dread

what is approaching

as time is encroaching

theres no way to know

should i let myself go

i feel i have grown

as i navigate the unknown

chances im taking

choices im making

skills i can hone

 

 

????????s

questions asked no easy reply

always down this road

i wonder why

did i mention

all the tension

taut strung wire

but wit still wry

have i found peace

are all my troubles past

will all my heartaches cease

will all this goodness last

 

 

living as the seasons change

testing my emotional range

a chill is whispering in the air

breezing, dancing in my hair

yearning for a warm safe haze

as i sit here in a daze

autumn, winter not far behind

cant shake these changes

from my mind

i feel the quiet beneath my skin

it does create a mighty din

i feel the quiet around my soul

an empty part a vacant hole

i feel the quiet within and out

so loud at me it tries to shout

 i cannot run i cannot flee

the quiet lives inside

of me

i ask myself as i sit here

what does life have for me

more hurt, more pain more loneliness

or perhaps a touch of glee

i can barely see today

i cannot see tomorrow

the past i try to sweep away

some joy id like to borrow

this was a night she spent alone

drinking wine talking on the phone

drowning in her old routine

thinking life so very mean

no sleep in sight no peace no rest

lost in her own empty nest

their time together

they laughed and smiled

fun was all they knew

but would she think

this was wasted time

as soon it would be

through?

the hours passed

the night grew long

she stood aghast

at all so wrong

surrounding her

amongst the mess

was there any good

is anybodys guess

want

she didnt trust his motivation

she sadly thought

with consternation

what from her did he really need

was it love or emotional greed

he needed her

she needed him

the future seemed

questionable

the past was grim

my life has kept me remiss

in contributing to this

ive been so very busy

im really in a tizzy

but brain is not on stun

inspite of all the fun

 

to some i am an enigma

my prior life a stigma

to some i am a game

an attraction with no name

to some i do have feelings

but  not for their own dealings

alive just for their pleasure

a trinket for their leisure

to all of you the cost

my love and heart

you've lost

she sat with the night as time crawled by

too tired to sleep too despondent to cry

 too weary from living, too scared to die

worn out from giving, will noone else try

she sat there reminding herself

doing things, jeopardizing her health

the loneliness with its usual creeping

for the usual reasons, in it is seeping

 

 

 

 

ocean

she's going through the motion

like waves upon the ocean

riding her emotions

drowned in hopeless notions

dragged by the undertow

of sadness that will not let go

 

a feeling of disquiet entered her realm

she hoped it would not be

taking the helm

the air was warm

the flower swayed

lost in this place

the flower played

each petal dancing

leaves so carefree

the flower...

happy as can be

the flower felt the wind so soft

sending its petals far aloft

when the wind became so still

the flower felt its silent chill

no other flower in its sight

the flower bowed its head

at night

there was a flower

in the wood

between the trees

alone it stood

lost and swaying

as the wind was playing

doing everything it could

my tenure on this planet nation

just a cause for consternation

no purpose here do i really serve

but to suffer and observe

why i continue i do not know

i feel either lousy or really low

its time to make a corporate decision

to end this endless self derision

 

 

 

 

how long i can endure this mess

is really anybodys guess

however myself i will not throttle

for seeking refuge in a bottle

pain is gone at least for today

i feel alive demons at bay

impervious no one can touch

as i reach for my liquid crutch

alone and aching

life i am faking

i am dangling by a thread

that is trapped inside my head

i am torn and frayed and scattered

to noone i really matter

 

 

 

my life is a stew thats been reheated

taste is gone, i feel defeated

she sat and pondered

how far she had wandered

where she was going

if she was growing

i lose me

i lose me in the music

to run from all the hurt

i lose me in the liquid

with whose dangers i

sometimes flirt

i lose me in each chorus

each note, each harmony

i lose me in an empty glass

from myself i want to flee

 

meaning less

she felt she was so meaning less

why that was so noone could guess

she yearned to be so meaning more

to be loved. to matter. to be adored

 

 

her life

her life is a two dimensional charade

hurt and pain in cavalcade

disappointments running wild

too much for this aching child

gaping hole noone can see

behind the smile she gives freely

those who hold her do not know

she cannot stay much longer though

searching for a way to fill the space

that lives behind her gentle face

 

 

i need to know that

i can still write

so i have written

something light

the words are pretty

sentences rhyme

something deeper

will emerge

some other time

to anchor myself

within a poem

is to find

my spirit's home

another night awash in stress

from this pain i cant digress

sleep denied, everything tried

sadness drapes me over cried

 

 

 

hello sun you are here

it is time to play

are you just dropping in

or are you here to stay?

 

this late spring rain

gone on too long

we need the sun

to shine on strong

push all the clouds

and chill away

oh come on sun

its time to play

each raindrop is a little beat of my heart

summer rain

droplets dancing on the shelf

water in the sky

falling gently, like myself

and i wonder why

the summer rain

leaves on the trees

caress me with

your tender breeze

 

 

the little girl

the little girl sat

lost in the past

too much pain

nothing to last

hoping that tomorrow

wont be replete

with yesterdays sorrows

in repeat

they sat

they sat, looking out their windows, lightening illuminating them, with its accompaniment of thunder.  their eyes stared between the raindrops tapping chorus. they sought each other out through the summer storm, neither one knowing.....

another night with eyes pried open

cannot sleep but still am hoping

mind is chasing its own tail

wish exhaustion would prevail

time has passed, yes that is true

but i find myself still missing you

hoping you dont buckle under your strain

wishing i could help you heal your pain

knowing too well how we could have grown

strong as one, never alone

 

the little girl

the little girl stood by the lake. its waters looked so warm, inviting. she lingered for a while, staring at her reflection. in the eyes of the lake, she was beautiful. she could see this and basked in its glow.  she approached the waters edge, cautiously allowing her toes to receive its caress. she was overcome by the desire to go in deeper, but held back, afraid she would lose herself.

as im going through my life

all the steps im taking

there's a smile on my face

but my heart is breaking

to whom: dismay, concern

be the best you can be, do the best that you can. you will emerge self-empowered.  reach for that inner strength, whose existence you have denied for so long.  it is there, waiting for you. 

when the smoke finally clears, and the ashes cool, you will stand strong and whole. the world within you will open the world without...you will be able to accept love, that which you feel, that which is felt for you.

your struggle is a journey. you can chose your final destination. chose wisely, with your head and heart. if you stumble along the way, get up, dust off the dirt and move on.

the rainbow lies ahead....

sominnia

another night i cannot sleep

inner torments inside me leap

mind is racing circles round

cant pick myself up

off the ground

eyes are closing

im not dozing

 

slipping

clouds are forming over my sodden mind

no reason to look forward

cannot run behind

voices asking questions

answers always sought

lessons sometimes learned

always pain, for naught

l'anne prochaine...mon anniversaire triste

these have been dark days indeed for me, as another year passes and i get one step closer to end times. another year older...wiser, wizened emotionally...this has not been a good year. it has been one filled with health issues and severe emotional pain...as well as a visit to an old habit, which i have managed to get under control.....tough little lady i be.

the next year....quien sabe?  would like a respite from heartbreak and a foray into genuine happiness...perhaps that is asking too much, but to the dieties that be...this i ask.

fell down a dark tunnel....scratched the walls,ascended until my fingers bled...found a small opening, light shining in...followed the beam until i crawled upon land...still looking around, not sure if i want to stay here...

happy birthday to me...the choir not responding, no other voices heard...the candle hardly flickers, noone says a word

 

honor, decency, integrity and principles have been relegated to the back wall of human behaviors. those of us who dare to conduct our lives by these behaviors are sentenced to isolation, as they will either be exploited by others, or avoided. loved perhaps, but not embraced.

je n'ai pas aucun choix

sauf qu'essayer la vie

encore une fois

 

no hay un sitio para mi

no quiero vivir  mas aqui

the little girl

the little girls pain was so intense

she had lost her last line of defense

trying hard not to self debauch

drowning in this endless ouch

why stick around when there is  so much pain

a question she asks over and over again

 needing to find complete relief

from this never ending grief

would it be better to say goodbye

then live inside an endless cry?

i am a free spirit whose wings have been clipped by the reality of being alone

be real.  artifice will catch up with you and ensnare you within its walls

rain's reign

there is no downpour more copious than the tears of a broken heart

the little girl

the little girl stood on the hill

the air was quiet, the night was still

torments around her outside in

she had to run

internal din

she found a place cushioned and warm

where she felt so far from harm

it was a lake so deep and black

as she dove in she did not look back

within the liquid artifice

lost alone a place like this

and everytime the anguish felt

in these toxic waters

she would melt

 

 

 

my friend

my friend today you're feeling bad

you're in my life im feeling glad

you lend support you're  kind and true

wish the world had more like you

 

my eyes open again

in emotional contusion

isolation and sorrow

an unholy fusion

 

another morning i awaken

seeing steps i have not taken

moving forward pace is slowing

why is life such hard  hard going

head looking around my atmosphere

wishing i was anywhere but here

but here i sit inside myself

sadness creeping with its stealth

 

drops

the rainlets fell upon her face

mingling with her tears

they found their place

the antidote to the aforementioned human state

for those of us who dare to surmise

that this path is not too wise

who choose to walk with awkward gait

hoping it is not too late

as long as we can breathe and live

we can find what life has to give

open heart and open mind

forgetting bad was left behind

love of all things matters most

sad memories a forgotten ghost

 

the human condition today's rendition

in today's edition of the human condition

we have a refrain of the old rendition

be careful outside dont let it slip

because on your feelings you might trip

lost in the trap self imposed isolation

soul depriving, intense desolation

walk this path of rocks and stone

destined forever to be alone

 

the emotional map

human contortions

everybody' s crap

their bloated proportions

warped depressions

highs in their lows

just running in circles

got  nowhere to go

and never forgetting

you dont let it show

waking up to themselves

someone they dont know

hal

hal the coyote just wanted to live

didnt cause any trouble

no problem did he give

hunted down said he didnt belong

before he was caught

he was running strong

decimated by the hand of man

doing the usual worst it can

rest in peace wild thing of the night

where you are now, youll be alright

 

why does life have to be such pain

over and over and over again

after every battle i  have fought

the wrath of cerberus

upon me wrought

every aching twisting turn

the scorching fire

endless burn

smoldering as a dying ash

every hope upon me dashed

the word of hope constabulary

in another's  life

vocabulary

 

 

 

the window

the air was cold

but she felt warm

feelings buzzed inside her

like a swarm 

she revelled in the felicity

of this self-generated

electricity

 

lost and tormented

her life she repented

nowhere to turn

so much to learn

drowning in sorrow

afraid of tomorrow

more of the same

herself to blame

 

the bird and the stone

the bird flew from its perch, feeling alone although he was not alone there....he flew over the place where he had nested when he was young, hovered closer and tentatively looked around....a familiar object caught his eye and he stealthily approached....he recognized its shape and the glow that emanated from it.....as he got nearer, he saw that the once nearly flawless surface was scratched but the incandesence he remembered was still there...he circled around it curiously, viewing it from every angle, then picked it up....he flew with it, tucked under his wing, to places he had been before, but bathing in the warmth the stone gave him, these places took on hues he had never seen before....he then returned it to where he had found it, and flew quickly back to his perch.....drawn again by the radiance, the bird once again gathered the stone and soared, over terrains once familiar yet not........

this continued for awhile until the bird found himself frightened and what was once dazzling to him became blinding.....the stone, sensing this withdrawal, hid under some tall, thick grass......

the bird flew as quickly as he could, back to the comfort he felt in the discomfort he had fled before......he had seen many stones before and toyed with them, taking none into his heart nor home....and this one was no different...

he had chosen to remain in his matte existence, cold and familiar......

 

 

her friend

her friend sits on the sideline

as he has for years

sometimes  holding her hand

as he dries her tears

cheering her on

when she learns to fight

proud that she knows

wrong from right

silently listening as she

pours out her heart

happy that he can be a part

 

 

 

 

she stood still

she stood still and pondered

how far she had wandered

how far she had to go

where to..she did not know

 

she walked even further

she walked even further

not looking behind

to lose memories that remind

her of what she had lost

the risks she had taken

and at their cost

she walked so slowly

she shuffled her feet as she walked so slowly

heart hanging down and feeling lowly

watching the dirt when she cleared her path

as it tried to flee from her feet and their wrath

every step a deliberation

a way to flee from her consternation

music playing songs in her head

her heart just following where they led

a simple thought, a reverie, a shattered hope

anything at all that she could grope

 

re: jection

due to her fear of feeling rejection

she became an expert at its detection

but when the rejection was perfidious

it then became insidious

and harder to pin down

yet it pinned her to the ground

struggling again to arise

this time with open eyes

she recognized its stealth

and dusted off herself

shaking her head in disbelief

while dealing with the grief

all the time she cried

while salvaging her pride

 

 

 

 

 

 

aghast

she stared aghast

at her present and her past

knowing her heart

would need a suture

so she could face

the future

veritas

the pain of truth is often intensified by a delay in accepting it

dial tone

he lived his life on the end of a phone

never really connecting

but afraid to be alone

video

i see my life as small vignettes

im still here not quite dead yet

moments fleeing passing by

some make me laugh most make me cry

 

trophies

he sat and reflected

on the trophies he collected

conquests he had made

women he had played

hearts broken along the way

mounted on his wall

nothing more to show in life

nothing else at all 

living fast taking no time to atone

the night sky fell

he was alone

 

 

 

 

no stars

the little girl sat eyes opened wide

aching from the pain inside

no more clenching her eyelids tight

wishing for love in the night

 

i have groan

my romantic life was an illusion

a side effect of self delusion

now i deal in veracity

a byproduct of sagacity

blotto grotto

the blotto grotto is a place

 where everybody  loves your face

the walls are warm and dark

a refuge from landscape stark

they cushion when you fall

there is no pain at all

the deeper that you go

the less of you  you know

the more you will forget

the less you will regret

 but trapped in this velvet tomb

for growth there is no room

 

 

 

 

 

 

the pathes we have taken

decision we're making

the words we have spoken

the hearts we have broken

when our heart is severed

from fruitless endeavors

is this all we feel

is this all thats real

 

noone

wish i was out in the snow with the one

walking, giggling having fun

instead i walk with a vacant space

noone to look into my eyes, touch my face

noones nose to brush off the snow

to share the winters radiant glow

off i trudge into the storm

noones arms to keep  me warm

snow's falling

she gazed wistfully as gleeful snowflakes frolicked past her window, oblivious and uncaring of their destination.....her room was toasty warm and she made herself as small, and cozy as she could.....she peered through the blinds at the winter landscape, inviting in its visage and forbidding in its implications.....she nestled in her flannel sheets and gazed sadly at the empty half of her bed.....a night like this was tailor made for two, together, reaching inside to their child within and marveling at this dance of nature......entwined and encased in each other and the joyous quality a night like this could bring, if only it was shared with another, the other.....

 

netherworldz

i have reached that region

where my own issues are legion

why the brass ring has me eluded

no i dont live self deluded

why i bother to exist

(which sometimes gets me pissed)

where all my kindness and empathy

has only brought hurt and misery

i float through days like empty sacs

waiting to get their contents back

unaware and unevolved

every day no problems solved

 

liquid alchemy

as i sit right in front of me

i see myself and what i be

yearning for liquid alchemy

to make me numb to make me free

without it i just feel same pain

over and over and over again

but with a sip of magic drink

theres nothing there dont have to think

muddled aching lost and trembling

nothing in my life resembling

what i want and what i need

wounded crying afraid to bleed

with this misery ill stay

at least for the rest of

today

the profundity of silence

she lay still, as the sultry silence of night engulfed her.....a swirling eddy of darkness surrounded her and she allowed herself to be swallowed up in its torrents.....the room resounded with echoes of quiet resonating from every corner, floor to ceiling...in the midst of all this bustling inactivity she slept, dreamless...

being human

being a human is what we are given

it is who we are and how we are driven

some things we are handed some are by choice

some cause us much anguish some are cause to rejoice

at times we may stumble at times we may soar

one day we are humble, another a bore

but each day is one and the only of its kind

the next may not be there(to myself i remind)

and with this we march forward into the unknown

we are in this together, so dont feel alone

not yet

as the haze i drank begins to fade

and i lose my liquid shade

pains flows again

in copious strength

stretching me by

its very length

enough i say ive had of it

but part of me says

no dont quit

that i have some value

i have some worth

that there is some goodness

on this earth

 

 

 

 

the lure part 2

i am impervious...

nope, cant get in

i feel no pain, no chagrin

can almost forget my lifes a sham

that nobody knows who i am

feel no disappointment, cant be let down

almost doesnt matter if noones around

my liquid walls give me insulation

cannot feel a bad sensation

tonight i run as far as i can

to get away from who i am

 

the lure

the lure of the bottle is strong

for one in such pain for so long

to feel no sorrow, loss or shame

not like a loser in lifes game

the past few days have been challenging my sobriety....wishing to dive into the comforting and murky waters of alcohol has been overpowering....knowing that if i have a drink, it wont matter whether or not the phone rings, nor if it is not a person i wish called, and never is......knowing i could just lie on my couch blissfully listening to music, not interupted by the aching sounds of my heart and the tortuous twists of my mind....but i have not surrendered to this weakness....i have stayed with this misery until sleep overtakes me and awakened, again, in the same state...sans hangover.....another day summons me...and i start again.................to be continued

she more + 1

like an old beatles album

dust covered on a shelf

here i sit

all by myself

feeling that feeling

starting to slip

back into sadness'

deadly grip

tired from fighting

no spark igniting

 

in the sun

yesterday as i felt the sun

showering my face

with its warmth and glow

the chasm that once was my heart

felt like it was pulled apart

aching for that special embrace

and yearning for a secret place

though busy i was and in good company

i could not forget what was and

again would probably never be

the sadness covered me as i slept

and blanketed my soul

as i wept

 

she more

this is the time to be asleep

but me i sit and churn

mixed emotions inside me creep

and lessons i have to learn

decisions  to make

not another mistake

which way to go

i do not know

wish i had a ball

crystal and clear

so i could see

both far and near

but i will not mull

nor stay stuck in a groove

the light has changed

and i will move

 

 

still

do not lay quiet, still and low

and wait for things to be

life is not a spectator sport

you must play to be happy

do not give up

as when you finally awake

you will realize you made

a big mistake

time does not negotiate

start to live

before it is too late

 

she III

she needs her life 

to have some clout

to be what someones

life's about

her heart cries at

the empty space

in the mirror

next to her face

she II

she ran right into

her liquid buffer

as she could no longer

stand to suffer

but as the early morning

began its reign

all her troubles

remained the same

she

she spends her days

in a busy haze

hoping her misery

is a phase

but the night is too long

she cannot be that strong

she runs from the pain

she feels all over again

seeking any form of relief

to stop her sadness

and grief

 

perdu 2

i heard your voice

all night i tossed

crying over

what we lost

i am all cried out

and battle weary

my heart has sunk

my eyes are bleary

i feel like i am reaching

the end of my tether

sometimes it is so hard

to hold it together

deleted

deleted some entries...so dark they even scared me.....will write again if i ever feel good again...from natural causes

i would like to thank robert, jan, joyce, jeff, ed ,wb and maryanne, herb, barb...for although i never articulated to you the full extent of my profound unhappiness, you sensed i was slipping off the rock, and gave me something to hold on to

?s

questions not answered

questions not asked

taking myself

and my life

to task

where it is going

where i have been

the pain of not knowing

what lies therein

going through motions

crying chagrin

seeking out potions

to quiet the din

fearing and yearning

tomorrow unknown

aching and growing

what seeds have i sown

looking forward through

eyes darkened by fear

sadness and heartache

noone real near

on a treadmill with motor broke

weighed so down

i start to choke

does it ever get better

or is it just this

as my eyes get wetter

and i start to list