i dreamed of a holiday
much different than this
a time filled with love
and an endless kiss
instead it is rainy
cold and so blue
why is it that my
dreams never come true
if there are any stars listening
please try to hear
and fulfull my wishes
for the coming year
where eyes once were
only tears remain
where once i could see
there is only pain
i can no longer hide
inside a song
every moment
seems too long
endless streams endless teeming
no more laughter
no daydreaming
burning droplets
sear my face
where once a smile
took their place
sometimes the anger subsides
i feel the pain
knowing ill never
see him again
knowing how i miss the touch
that i used to love so much
even though i did something right
this does not mean my
heart feels light
even the sound choices
that we make
can hurt as much as
a mistake
but from this hurt comes
the chance to grow
to move forward
to let pain go
to make room perhaps
for something good
oh how i wish it would
looking at the lovers
who were in my life
to some i was a thrill
to one i was a wife
to one an acquisition
from a culture unknown
another fancy object
that he had to own
to another a means
to enable his dissipation
oblivious to my consternation
to another a pretty toy
only around to bring him joy
one whos heart id broken
years ago at the end
now feels he is lucky
to consider me a friend
but did any really love me
this i truly doubt
you cannot love somebody
if you do not care
what they're about
if they are only in your life
to round your edges out
loving a person is feeling the need
to build a life to plant a seed
to watch the feelings grow and sprout
to hold each other
inside and out
sorting out the pieces
a life in folds and creases
everything surreal
noone knows how i feel
but do i
i wonder why
it all comes down to this
where did i err where did i fall
somewhere theres peace
maybe not at all
for me its running from the fear
of feeling like the only one here
little vignettes
empty scenes
is this all my life
really means
here i sit
alone at home
listening to music
writing this poem
wondering why
after all these years
there is not love
just lonely tears
what about me
cannot be loved
i wonder as i write
this chilly night
why has it eluded me
i who have so much
capacity
to love and be loved in return
and yet denied this
my eyes still burn
from tears shed by an
aching heart
yearning for its
matching part
ever know the joy of being truly loved
cherished and thought the world of
ever know how it feels to be safe and secure
not lost, wavering, so unsure
ever be at the center of someones heart
the vital, living, beating part
ever put a smile on someones face
all their sadness to erase
look left look right
dont say a word
dont be yourself
is what the child heard
we have everything
planned for you
you have no choice
this you will do
here i sit
looking at my life
so filled with pain
and riddled with strife
i tell myself
it wont always be this way
yet this is the way
it seems to stay
looking for the rainbow
that will shine for me
bathe me in its colors
and set me free
to live in a world
that is pure and bold
that loves and welcomes
a heart of gold
holidays here
missing some old friends
why did their lives
have to end
i cared for you
i made you strong
now its so hard
just to get along
i owe it to you
to persevere
wishing so
that you were near
in the winter chill
the people walk
sometimes quiet
sometimes they talk
and as the sun
shines on their soul
it fills them up
keeping them
whole
feeling sad
i know the reason
it is because of
the holiday season
cant escape thoughts
of how i went wrong
and this season
feels so long
isolated blue
feeling chagrin
all the holiday plans
i wont be included in
what is lacking
empty space
tears are gathering
on my face
this is supposed to be
a time of good cheer
doesnt feel like that
around here
here sit i
and wonder why
when the rest of the
world is wrapped in
sleep
i am mired in
thoughts so
deep
there is not much disparity
between hysteria
and clarity
when the one has run
its course
from its depth
a positive force
emerges strong
and sound
and you will
come around
rain wash away my sorrows
drown inside my tears
bring a new tomorrow
cleanse me of my fears
hide inside the darkness
deep where noone peers
muted cries so softly
so loud that noone hears
rain come down upon me
warm or cold and still
your water i will borrow
till my emptied heart
you fill
another night
i want to weep
again i cannot
fall asleep
head so heavy
body drained
feeling very
overbrained
poems dried
her spirit shot
a way to feel?
it is not
and when she finally
felt a word
this is all
her spirit
heard
one pays for being smart
is seeing things as they are
but smart is not always very wise
as one can go too far
and inadvertently cause pain
to someone close and dear
all one can do is hope that this
did not cause any fear
alone in the wood
the flower stood
doing what
a flower should
budding, blooming, withering
died
all alone no matter
how it tried
what i feel
i feel what i right
maybe its not happy
maybe its not light
but this is how
i feel tonight
i spent all night tossing in my bed
torn between my heart and head
what he wants is not so clear
am i just sport or is he sincere
and beneath its outstretched arms
a world awakens slowly
taking in the warmth and glow
gently rubbing its eyes
to look out the window
bathed in the sun's glory
lives ready to open
the autumn and its mysteries surround her as she walks......leaves dancing slowly by her feet, waiting for those that remain on the trees, to join them...the sky has a mystical magical visage, even in it chillier moments, the warm smell that emanates,all around.....she continues on her stroll, feet gently nudging the leaves beneath them....eagerly inhaling every scent the air transmits to her.....
the scarey thing about having fear
with it your thoughts are never clear
it blinds all logic, destroys all sense
immobilization its sustenance
ive lived this way for so long now
i want to change...i dont know how
this thing in my chest that beats so fast
knows nothing good in life will last
and yet it opens loud and wide
to let someone else look deep inside
why bother keep it closed i say
perhaps that is the only way
the little girl looked for a place
where she could hide her
wounded face
a place of safety
warmth and care
a place that never
existed
anywhere
and so her refuge never found
she felt so lost and
run aground
she stood transfixed, frozen by the sky and the wind that rustled through her hair....tiny chilly droplets, like diamonds, fell and glistened upon her cheeks, as the wind caressed her body, eyes closed, she could feel the sun glowing upon her as the diamond droplets continued to fall.......she wanted to feel this way forever, so alive and a part of the true world around her
again i am not sleeping
too tired for any weeping
insomnia demented
why am i so
tormented?
the night drifts slowly by
as she listens
to the raindrops on the streets
as they glisten
to the thoughts in her head
some of joy
some of dread
she sat in the bottom of the pit, crying....she did not know how deep the pit was, as she could not look up....if only she could float to the top of the pit, on her tears
he walked and stopped
along the dusty road
looking back
to measure his load
but up ahead in full
profusion
was something real
not an illusion
he stood still and thought
which way to go
to real and fine
where he could grow
or in the mud
so dark and slow
my heart pounded quickly
sounds muffled and deep
feeling quite prickly
unable to sleep
mind loudly racing
plagued by thoughts
of all kinds
no way to stop them
nor leave them
behind
tired beyond measure
yet the incline to steep
unable to find me
a way to go sleep
the night softly pattered
on my still wakened self
as morning approached
with its usual stealth
the reason that i write this blog
a place to put my heart
i feel that it is safe here
noone to tear it all apart
to wrestle with my feelings
and those of whom i care
cause im so scared in person
i wouldnt even dare
the poet walked the poet's walk
the night was quiet
there was no talk
alone again herself
she found
no tears would fall
heart run aground
you never really looked at me
saw only what you wanted me
to be
you didnt glance into my heart
took only what you needed to
play your part
you didnt really take the chance
you the only partner
in your dance
this ended oh so long ago
you stayed the same
i chose to grow
the little girl on the
curb she sat
spirit broken
her heart so flat
dont look at me
her silent cries
as she averted
people's
eyes
i still have the ability
to see the possibility
perhaps that something
good
could be where
sadness stood
there was an island
in a moat
couldnt sink
couldnt float
did not know its left
from right
couldnt tell
the day from night
he stood at the door
which way to turn
back to the dark
or forward to learn
used to the night
with landscape so bleak
or go to the sun
whose warmth he did seek
although im lean and lanky
today im feeling cranky
cant stand to be a grouch
wanna lose this ouch
her feet travelled where they
stepped before
and each footprint
led to an open door
another walk on
a sunny beach
no clouds in sight
a magic night
the little girl sat, with consternation
staring at the
constellation
wondering, where, how far
was her shining star
to take her far from here
a land so full of fear
the years passed, she sat glum
the star it did not come
the sky was dark and gray
she could not get away
but one day there was a light
maybe she'd be alright
moving closer to the beam
as she approached her dream
strolling through the sand
my hand in someone's hand
the feeling life is grand
for just a moment or so
wishing that moment would
pass so slow...before
the time it had
to go
maturity...a word that implies many things...fine wine, good antiques, wrinkles, and lastly...adult behavior...it seems that, although we advance in a chronological sense, we do not seem to do so in our behaviors....i thought, as a child, that the callow,shallow behaviors of others would ameliorate as time passed, and they did to some extent, but not enough...i guess i should include myself amongst those who need to learn from experience....so be it...why do we struggle so with maturity, is it that we equate this with nearing our end? is it that people feel if they maintain their childlike notions, and behavior, that the grim reaper will someshow side step them?
its the end of the summer/3day weekend combo platter blues
soon will be trading in my tevas
for waterproof snow shoes
at 4 pm will be much darker
bye bye tank top
hello parka
bleeeeeccccccch
open a door
see what comes in
if it is nothing
deal with the chagrin
but keeping it closed
guarantees
nothing bad
but also
nothing to please
well it is the witching hour once again and i am bleary eyed and bushy tailed, when i should be happily sawing some termite ridden logs. i wonder if insomnia has fueled any top selling writers....or is recharging at night essential for the creative outlet experience...cant seem to pinpoint the cause for this several month long bout with insomnia....partly physical and mostly emotional, i suspect...stress has many guises and can manifest itself at any time.....it is hard to imagine that i used to sleep so well and soundly, that, many years ago, i slept through a fire in an apt building i lived in.......
last night, i went to see my family, we had plenty of laughs, however these were overshadowed by sadness and uncertainty....my mom has to have knee replacement surgery and to add to the mix, has lupus and rheumatoid arthritis, which makes the already complex even more so.....she was so upset that, as the surgery is november 15, this will be the first year there will be no thanksgiving......she was so vulnerable that it just about broke my heart....she was so frightened and in need of hugs, which i readily gave her....what makes this even more touching, is that she, like me, is very sensitive and will not reach out, out of fear of rejection...but she was so vulnerable that this fear was overpowered by the need to feel loved, and accepted, for who she is and the predicament she is in.....it has been virtually impossible to shake the image of seeing this dimunitive woman rendered even more diminutive by her fear and trepidation
today i am doing something i am uncertain about, however, against my usual pattern, i am doing it anyway...sending this blog to someone whose opinion of me matters...so it is with consternation that i send off these snippets of my heart
to add to the previous entry, the world today is populated by people whose only focus is on their needs, of which they are really not aware....there seems to be little sensitivity to the needs and feelings of those around them, be they intimates or distant acquaintances....no wonder we live in a world being decimated by a plague of loneliness
the last few weeks have been a study in human psychology and have taught me an important lesson....no matter what age you are, people are complex, game playing, and mostly unaware of their own needs...i have had some curious adventures these past few weeks, several interesting personalities have flitted in and out of my universe....we live in a world of warp speed human connections, popping in and out in the blink of an eye.....surreal and never lasting and mostly devoid of sincerity...is this a result of the world we live in or perhaps it is the cause