i dreamed of a holiday
much different than this
a time filled with love
and an endless kiss
instead it is rainy
cold and so blue
why is it that my
dreams never come true
if there are any stars listening
please try to hear
and fulfull my wishes
for the coming year
where eyes once were
only tears remain
where once i could see
there is only pain
i can no longer hide
inside a song
every moment
seems too long
endless streams endless teeming
no more laughter
no daydreaming
burning droplets
sear my face
where once a smile
took their place
sometimes the anger subsides
i feel the pain
knowing ill never
see him again
knowing how i miss the touch
that i used to love so much
even though i did something right
this does not mean my
heart feels light
even the sound choices
that we make
can hurt as much as
a mistake
but from this hurt comes
the chance to grow
to move forward
to let pain go
to make room perhaps
for something good
oh how i wish it would
looking at the lovers
who were in my life
to some i was a thrill
to one i was a wife
to one an acquisition
from a culture unknown
another fancy object
that he had to own
to another a means
to enable his dissipation
oblivious to my consternation
to another a pretty toy
only around to bring him joy
one whos heart id broken
years ago at the end
now feels he is lucky
to consider me a friend
but did any really love me
this i truly doubt
you cannot love somebody
if you do not care
what they're about
if they are only in your life
to round your edges out
loving a person is feeling the need
to build a life to plant a seed
to watch the feelings grow and sprout
to hold each other
inside and out
sorting out the pieces
a life in folds and creases
everything surreal
noone knows how i feel
but do i
i wonder why
it all comes down to this
where did i err where did i fall
somewhere theres peace
maybe not at all
for me its running from the fear
of feeling like the only one here
little vignettes
empty scenes
is this all my life
really means
here i sit
alone at home
listening to music
writing this poem
wondering why
after all these years
there is not love
just lonely tears
what about me
cannot be loved
i wonder as i write
this chilly night
why has it eluded me
i who have so much
capacity
to love and be loved in return
and yet denied this
my eyes still burn
from tears shed by an
aching heart
yearning for its
matching part
ever know the joy of being truly loved
cherished and thought the world of
ever know how it feels to be safe and secure
not lost, wavering, so unsure
ever be at the center of someones heart
the vital, living, beating part
ever put a smile on someones face
all their sadness to erase
look left look right
dont say a word
dont be yourself
is what the child heard
we have everything
planned for you
you have no choice
this you will do
here i sit
looking at my life
so filled with pain
and riddled with strife
i tell myself
it wont always be this way
yet this is the way
it seems to stay
looking for the rainbow
that will shine for me
bathe me in its colors
and set me free
to live in a world
that is pure and bold
that loves and welcomes
a heart of gold
holidays here
missing some old friends
why did their lives
have to end
i cared for you
i made you strong
now its so hard
just to get along
i owe it to you
to persevere
wishing so
that you were near